Life as an RPG

(B. Schatz)

A geek turns his life into an RPG.

And yes, before your jaw drops in awe and shock or shock and awe, it is a work of satire. However, I’m pretty sure it would be interesting if it were applied in real life for… well, for real. In fact…

Historically Inaccurate 50’s Instructional Video Theatre!

Announcer: Meet Timmy. Timmy is a young, virile, all around American teenage boy who likes to do well in school, and hates the dirty gooks and communists. In his free time, Timmy likes to finish his homework so that he can get good grades, and play fantasy games like Dungeon’s and Dragons and Hide the Scurvy Ridden Hooker from Mommy. He is very good at both of those games.

Recently, however, Timmy has found his attention drawn by… the fairer sex. Unfortunately, Timmy also has a crippling fear of talking to girls. Isn’t that right Timmy?

Timmy: My pants feel funny.

Announcer: That’s because your pants are evil Timmy. But fear not! There is still hope for you and your pants if you just play to your strengths!

Timmy: Play to my strengths?

Announcer: That’s right Timmy. You live in a world of wonder and fantasy, and reward yourself with experience points when you complete certain tasks and hide disease ridden hookers. So, why not apply that technique to your real life?

Timmy: How am I supposed to do that?

Announcer: Glad you asked Timmy.

For every girl you talk to, you’ll receive experience points. If once you acquire enough of these experience points, you’ll be able to perform such tasks as “go out on a date” and “touch her hand”.

Timmy: You mean I’ll actually get to touch her?

Announcer: No with that face you won’t be at least there’s hope now, right? Now repeat after me: “Hello there, female companion. Those are mighty fine child bearing hips you have”.

Timmy: Are you sure that’s the wisest thing to say?

Announcer: Don’t be a commie, Timmy.