The Soupy Toasterson Show #00

(B. Schatz)

Two Fisted Toast has not yet officially "launched", but for those lucky few who found us early, you get a sneak peak of the content we'll be running over the next few months.

Kicking things off is a little something I like to call The Soupy Toasterson Show, which is 99.9% based on my real life, and 0.1% based on things I just made up to make the story flow easier. What follows is not only the first episode of the upcoming Soupy run, but the overview of where I'm going with the story until it's inevitable conclusion.

Here's hoping you enjoy.

-B.

The Soupy Toasterson Show
Created by B. Schatz

#00: The Ballad of Soupy Toasterson
Written by B. Schatz

On August 1st, 1985, Soupy Toasterson was born in the entry way of a central Alberta hospital. He came out screaming, because the air felt cold on his skin and the sensation melted his sensitive little brain and screaming was the only thing he knew how to do.

He had no hair.

On April 23rd, 1993, Soupy got married for the first time. He was only in grade two at the time, but had been so taken by the girl’s sophisticated third grade charm and willingness to touch his hand (despite the recent outbreak of cooties), that he felt compelled to marry her.

He had light blond hair.

On July 13th, 1999, Soupy found himself gazing intently at a bag of candy. He had filled it himself, with a variety of different delectibles ranging from the chewy, to the sour, to the hard to the sweet. It was all there, just waiting to be eaten. However, it wouldn’t be – at least not by him – for they were destined to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of mankind. And they did.

On August 7th, 1999, that sacrificial bag of candy was very far from Soupy’s mind as he snuck out of his room to attend his first non-clown, non-birthday, non-supervised party with a girl who wouldn’t see him metaphorically. He left the party with a girl who couldn’t see him physically, and within a few weeks, she’d inspire him to start writing seriously.

He had dirty blond hair.

On July 28th, 2001, Soupy mustered up all of the courage that dwelled within himself, and honoured the memory of the long lost candy bag through a note. He found himself to be quite content with this gesture, until his whole world shook around him, making him see everything and everyone in a new light.

On February 23rd, 2002, he used this new light to finally try and be happy.

He had brown hair.

On June 28th, 2011, Soupy got married for the second time in his life to a girl who was not only willing to touch his hand, but was in love with him just as much as he was in love with her.

On August 3rd, 2015, their first child was born.

He had graying brown hair.

On October 31st, 2049…

…

…

On October 31st, 2049, Soupy’s hands felt cold. Colder than they had in the longest time.

He opened his eyes slowly, and looked into hers.

They were looking back into his, shining with tears and… and… and many loving memories of a long and happy life.

At the sight of this, Soupy too, began to cry.

They both knew that it would soon be over.

Everything was getting so cold…

…

…

Soupy took a deep breath and whispered, “I told you I’d love you forever.”

She smiled weakly through the tears.

Soupy slowly closed his eyes.

His hair was gray.

The End

The Soupy Toasterson Show returns for it's final run on October 13th, 2005. Be there for all the moments you never knew, and the ending you never expected. Weekly every Thursday.