The Soupy Toasterson Show #02

(B. Schatz)

The Soupy Toasterson Show
Created by B. Schatz

#02- “As Seen On TV”
Written by B. Schatz

July 2005

“You’re still watching this?” Soupy asked Dr. V, while the television in the living room glowed with the sounds of Single Room Apartment.

“Marathon’s almost over,” Dr. V explained while Soupy sat down on the other chair in front of the TV, “This is the last episode. Ever.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“So if I tried to talk to you about anything important, you wouldn’t actually hear me, would you?”

“Nope.”

“Great,” Soupy sighed, “So… what’s going on in this show?”

“Oh, well, this guy and this girl? They used to hate each other, but over the years, they sort of dated and grew close and stuff, but they just recently had this huge fight, and he got a job offer in some place far, far away, right? And they’re both pretending like they don’t care about not seeing each other probably ever again, but you can tell that they don’t want to be separated.”

“So it’s like every single other sitcom ever invented?”

“Probably,” Dr. V breathed.

“So… you know those girls that we’re both over now?”

Dr. V sighed impatiently.

“I’m trying to pay attention to the television. Can we talk about this later?”

“But I just had a breakthrough.”

“Series finale, Soupy. Last episode ever.”

“I put away That Girl’s picture,” Soupy breathed.

“…I thought you had already put away her picture,” Dr. V said suspiciously, eyes not moving from the picture on the television screen, “We both put away their stuff. I put away the pillow Tuba Girl made for me, and you put away the picture.”

“I put the picture in the drawer where I keep my glasses,” Soupy admitted, “So that when I took my glasses off, she’d be the first thing I’d see in the morning, and the last thing I’d see at night.”

“Dude. That’s lame. And creepy,” Dr. V said.

“And hopeless. I know. It’s not… it was never going to work, right? That’s why we both put their things away. We were supposed to be over them, right?”

“Right.”

“So… today, I just… I put it away. I really put the picture away, in a shoebox,” Soupy told him, “So as of right now? We’re both officially over them. Right?”

Dr. V said nothing.

“Right?”

“Shh… this is the important part.”

Soupy looked at the TV screen, and saw the scene begin.

She was looking inside their old apartment, which was empty because all of his stuff was moved out, and she couldn’t (…or wouldn’t…) find another roommate who would like to share a one room apartment with her. Then, she closed the door, and locked it.

She turned around.

And there he was, standing with luggage in hand.

The studio audience gasped.

Everyone watching (including Soupy) held their breath.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, drawing the scene out with the utmost emotional care.

He looked at her in that way that let everyone know what was coming next.

The wait was still excruciating.

“You know… I almost made it to the airport,” he explained, his voice ringing with that nervous bravado that scripted true love brought, “But then… then I realized that the life I had always wanted was right here with you.”

She glared at him.

“You’re an idiot,” she said.

The comment hung in the air, before he replied, “Well… I’m staying here with you, aren’t I?”

They continue to look at each other.

“Sorry, that was supposed to sound romantic, but-“

She topped him, grabbing his arms as she went up on her tip toes and kissed him.

The audience gasped again, and the whole world gave a silent cheer.

She pulled away. He looked shocked.

“I…”

She hit him hard in the stomach, and began to cry.

“Don’t you ever leave me again,” her voice warbled, “Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

He drew her near.

“Okay.”

And they kissed again.

And everyone cheered.

And the scene faded to black, as the credits rolled.

Soupy and Dr. V continued to stare at the screen absently.

“…I wish life could be more like a TV sitcom,” Soupy muttered.

Oh yeah. He was so over her…

The Soupy Toasterson Show is recorded in front of a live studio audience, just like all good sitcoms. No, the irony isn’t lost on me. All of the above did and didn’t happen, depending on the moment. I’ll be leaving you, if you don’t believe in me. –B.