The Soupy Toasterson Show #05

(B. Schatz)

The Soupy Toasterson Show
Created by B. Schatz

#05 - The Gummy Bear Story.
Written by B. Schatz

[Soupy Toasterson]
This isn’t going to be easy. But then again, the past is never really easy. It’s more like a giant monster, hiding in a dark corner, waiting to pounce on you when you walk by an pop open your head, so that it can fill it with all the things you left behind.

The process, I hear, can kill you. Or at the very least, leave you mentally handicapped to the point where you begin to eat soup by placing a spoon between your toes and hoping for the best.

But today, I’m going to brave the toe eating future, and take a run at some old memories. Hopefully it’ll help me forget her… rather than bring everything else back. But these are the chances we take…


Soupy Toasterson, was in a marching band, and had been ever since 1998. When he first joined, he was much quieter than he was in his days where he was king of his own band mafia. In fact, even as the tail end of marching season came around, Soupy barely knew a soul, and he was actually thinking of quitting the band.

But, at the end of every marching season, there came The Stampede. Touted by locals as the most famous outdoor show on earth, there were many performances that the band would partake in, and for the whole year, the band had worked hard putting together a field show that they would take into competition against the other local marching bands. It was a big event, and required the members of the band to stay in close quarters for six whole days.

Soon, Soupy had developed a group of people who he used words to talk to, and in turn, they used words to talk to him. Also, he developed a crush on a girl.

It was the first girl he had liked since grade two when he had gotten married in the playground outside of his school. That, obviously meant something.

But Soupy was never the world’s most confident guy. While he saw this girl quite often over the course of the six days, he didn't really know how to get her attention. So, he often tried to look for casual excuses to sit near her and hang his head low, very careful not to give her eye contact.

Because if he gave her eye contact, she would know.

Anyway, it wasn’t long before Soupy learned that the last day of the six day Stampede commitment fell upon the girl’s birthday.

Bolstered by this convenient excuse to possibly create some attention, Soupy set out to buy this girl a birthday present. But, this was 1999. He was only in grade eight, and didn’t exactly make a whole lot of money. Added to that: the band was already near the end of their stay at The Stampede, so any of the money that he had brought, was mostly spent.

So, with no other recourse, Soupy set out to the nearest convenient store, and began to purchase various kinds of candy. Sweet, sour, soft and hard… a kind for every taste, just to cover all of his bases.

Shortly after he did this, he returned to the place where the band was staying, bag of candy held tightly in his hand. Soon after, the girl appeared within his sight.

There was no one else really around her, but she wasn’t close: almost the entire length of a hallway away. But she was there. And all Soupy had to do, was walk up to her, and hand her the bag of candy.

He took a step forward, and his legs began to feel as if they were made out of rubber. His mouth went dry and his hands began to shake.

Then out, of no where, both of his feet planted themselves on the floor, and his mouth opened.

“Hey,” his voice yelled down the hallway.

The girl looked at Soupy.

Soupy nodded in her general direction.

“Happy birthday,” he yelled.

Then he threw the bag of candy, and it hit the girl square in the chest.

Afterwards, Soupy ran.

That girl would go on to be Soupy’s second actual girlfriend.

End.

The Soupy Toasterson Show is recorded every Thursday before a live studio audience. If you want tickets, send a postmarked envelope to our studios filled with money. Lots and lots and lots of money. The preceeding was, as always, entirely true and entirely false, depending on the moment and the memory. Look for the girl with the broken smile… ask her if she’d like to stay a while. -B.