Friday, June 16, 2006

Re-Animation

(B. Schatz)

Seems like I go through these cycles, of what I want to do.

Today, I come back to the Two Fisted Toast blog. We'll see how long that lasts. But for now, you can catch a short preview of the impending (and slightly delayed) Soupy Toasterson book if you come to this space on Monday. On Tuesday, you can read my television column, and on Wednesday, a new Lost Toast. After that, your guess is as good as mine. Maybe I could con my old contributor friends into donating a piece or two.

Let's kick it.

Stay lightly toasted.

-B.

Read more!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Dear Bloggers Re-dux

(B. Schatz)

So, right after I posted the "Dear Bloggers" post, I wasn't allowed to access the posting page for this site. Now, I think it was a coincidence, but just in case, and appology to the Hard-Done-By-Teenage-Bloggers:

Sorry for bad mouthing you. Everyone really does hate you, and the universe is, in fact, conspiring to make your lives blow.

Thank You.

-B.

Read more!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Dear Bloggers

(B. Schatz)

Dear Hard-Done-By-Teenaged-Bloggers.

The world doesn't hate you.

The universe isn't working against you.

Do you know why you're sad? It's because you like the attention that you get when you pretend to be hurt beyond all repair by this "cruel, cruel world", and don't you deny it. If you weren't in it for the attention, you wouldn't be blogging it for the entire world to see. You'd keep the hurt inside, or maybe share it with the few friends that care about you.

And on that note: yeah. You have people who care about you. Surprised? Don't be. Everyone has someone who cares about them, and you should take the time to thank them for caring. Stop pretending like they say nice things just so that you can twist them into some depressing comment about your life.

Oh, and you know that girl or boy you like? Or the many boys and girls that you like? The ones who you say you have no chance with, and then proceed to whine about how the whole world's population would be better of if they just saw how special you were? Stop telling me about them, and take a chance by... I don't know... trying to connect with one. You just might be surprised by the results.

That is all.

Magnaimously yours,

-B. Schatz

Read more!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Strands Begins Next Week!

(B. Schatz)

So, a few years ago, I completed a story. It was called "Strands", and I was so incredibly proud of it, I began to show it to everyone who would take the time to read the printed copy.

And they loved it. Some told me that they even cried while reading it, and the thought of making people feel absolutely horrible made me happy inside.

But here's the thing everyone didn't know: what they read, was a first draft. It was terribly rough and some of the dialogue made me cringe. However, even in all this time, I've done nothing with the property.

Until now.

"Strands" will be posted at this site starting on November 21st, 2005, all shiney and pretty, and will be serialized until mid-February. But, if you can't wait that long, an "in-your-hand-kind-of-book" version will be availible by December 8th.

Check out the site for details when "Strands" premieres next week.

And if you have any questions regarding "Strands" send them to twofistedtoast - at - gmail.com, or make a comment below! I'll hopefully use them as a countdown to the beginning.

Magnanimously yours,

-B.

Read more!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

NaNoWriMo - (Day 12)

(B. Schatz)

"Crap. What day of NaNoWriMo is it?"

Yes, that's what I thought before writing this post. Little did I know that when you start counting at November 1st, the days will match all the way through.

But anywhich.

NaNoWriMo is running full steam ahead! I'm at roughly 20,000 words, and I've gone back and expanded upon Peter's history and backstory. This project is looking to be at least double the 50,000 words, if not ever more, so it's all going to be used. How, is another question that will be addressed in the editting stage.

And while I'm doing that, I'm making notes about everyone else's history. Gregory Chaucer, Bill Shakespeare, the Ugly Boys, Faith, Jacob (bonus points if you've heard me use those names in previous works...)... everyone is getting a fair shakedown.

Faith is by *far* going to be the most interesting of the bunch, as she is one of the mysterious "Dreamers" who will end up playing a big part in The Everlast, and I can't wait to get to the psudo-ending of Peter's story so I can start building hers.

In other news, Craig Reade has already gotten past the halfway mark, and I will hate him for that forever. Just three more days until 25,000 needs to be hit.

It's going to be decent.

Magnanimously Yours,

-B.

Read more!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Remotely Pretty #08

(B. Schatz)

Remotely Pretty
Created and curated by B. Schatz

#08 - Saw This, Thought of You

The day after you dumped me, I felt a little strange. I thought I was angry with you, but I couldn't really tell for sure.

Then I looked at the sky, and I suddenly knew.

Read more!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Soupy Toasterson Show #05

(B. Schatz)

The Soupy Toasterson Show
Created by B. Schatz

#05 - The Gummy Bear Story.
Written by B. Schatz

[Soupy Toasterson]
This isn’t going to be easy. But then again, the past is never really easy. It’s more like a giant monster, hiding in a dark corner, waiting to pounce on you when you walk by an pop open your head, so that it can fill it with all the things you left behind.

The process, I hear, can kill you. Or at the very least, leave you mentally handicapped to the point where you begin to eat soup by placing a spoon between your toes and hoping for the best.

But today, I’m going to brave the toe eating future, and take a run at some old memories. Hopefully it’ll help me forget her… rather than bring everything else back. But these are the chances we take…


Soupy Toasterson, was in a marching band, and had been ever since 1998. When he first joined, he was much quieter than he was in his days where he was king of his own band mafia. In fact, even as the tail end of marching season came around, Soupy barely knew a soul, and he was actually thinking of quitting the band.

But, at the end of every marching season, there came The Stampede. Touted by locals as the most famous outdoor show on earth, there were many performances that the band would partake in, and for the whole year, the band had worked hard putting together a field show that they would take into competition against the other local marching bands. It was a big event, and required the members of the band to stay in close quarters for six whole days.

Soon, Soupy had developed a group of people who he used words to talk to, and in turn, they used words to talk to him. Also, he developed a crush on a girl.

It was the first girl he had liked since grade two when he had gotten married in the playground outside of his school. That, obviously meant something.

But Soupy was never the world’s most confident guy. While he saw this girl quite often over the course of the six days, he didn't really know how to get her attention. So, he often tried to look for casual excuses to sit near her and hang his head low, very careful not to give her eye contact.

Because if he gave her eye contact, she would know.

Anyway, it wasn’t long before Soupy learned that the last day of the six day Stampede commitment fell upon the girl’s birthday.

Bolstered by this convenient excuse to possibly create some attention, Soupy set out to buy this girl a birthday present. But, this was 1999. He was only in grade eight, and didn’t exactly make a whole lot of money. Added to that: the band was already near the end of their stay at The Stampede, so any of the money that he had brought, was mostly spent.

So, with no other recourse, Soupy set out to the nearest convenient store, and began to purchase various kinds of candy. Sweet, sour, soft and hard… a kind for every taste, just to cover all of his bases.

Shortly after he did this, he returned to the place where the band was staying, bag of candy held tightly in his hand. Soon after, the girl appeared within his sight.

There was no one else really around her, but she wasn’t close: almost the entire length of a hallway away. But she was there. And all Soupy had to do, was walk up to her, and hand her the bag of candy.

He took a step forward, and his legs began to feel as if they were made out of rubber. His mouth went dry and his hands began to shake.

Then out, of no where, both of his feet planted themselves on the floor, and his mouth opened.

“Hey,” his voice yelled down the hallway.

The girl looked at Soupy.

Soupy nodded in her general direction.

“Happy birthday,” he yelled.

Then he threw the bag of candy, and it hit the girl square in the chest.

Afterwards, Soupy ran.

That girl would go on to be Soupy’s second actual girlfriend.

End.

The Soupy Toasterson Show is recorded every Thursday before a live studio audience. If you want tickets, send a postmarked envelope to our studios filled with money. Lots and lots and lots of money. The preceeding was, as always, entirely true and entirely false, depending on the moment and the memory. Look for the girl with the broken smile… ask her if she’d like to stay a while. -B.

Read more!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Love Under 100 #07

(B. Schatz)

Love Under 100

#07 - Different Words For Abuse
Written by B. Schatz

After we went swimming, we took a walk outside. The cold froze our hair, and I showed you how to snap of some strands of hair with your finger nails, and you hit me, because I took out a chunk of your own.

I called it a love tap, but I wasn't about to tell you that.

Love Under 100 is a weekly segment appearing every Wednesday here at Two Fisted Toast! If you have a story about love and can tell it in 100 words or less, send it in to twofistedtoast@gmail.com. Anything recieved regarding this column that includes more than 100 words (not including the title), will be deleted. Our word counter is swift, and our word counter is merciless.

Read more!

Monday, November 07, 2005

NaNoWriMo - (Day 07)

(B. Schatz)

The first week is over, and things are still on track, but I've become increasingly aware that posting this story without the proper story structure editting... isn't the grandest idea.

So that last part of The Everlast that I just posted? It will be the last you see in full.

Sorry about it. Don't get mad. Look, to make it up to you, here's a picture of a baby panda.


Thanks for reading so far. Hopefully you'll buy the published version when it comes out.

Read more!

The Everlast - Put It In Your Pocket #02

(B. Schatz)

Right Here and Now

Jacob felt cold.

He had felt cold ever since he first boarded The Everlast a few weeks ago, and remained cold when as he saw the Starcrosser transport ship worm its way through Everything to look at the inhabitants of the floating wooden boat.

Cold was his natural state of being.

“Everyone, take whatever you have in your hands, and give them to the Ugly Boys!” the captain commanded, “It doesn’t matter what it is, so long as it is something, and not nothing. If we’re lucky, there may be a way out of this.”

In fact the more he thought about things, the more he remembered feeling cold quite often through out his life.

When he had lived at the Durmstrang Orphanage for the Dishevelled and Unruly, he remembered shivering under the thin sheet that was meant to keep him warm on the cold winter nights in There, where winter lasted months rather than a few weeks around Christmas time.

When he was adopted by the Kempt family, he remembered shuddering inside of his drafty room, despite the mounds of blankets he kept himself well wrapped inside.

And when he stood outside in the rain on the day of Mr. and Mrs. Kempt’s funeral, he remembered his teeth chattering as the falling water soaked him to the bone as their bodies slowly faded from existance.

“Move quickly!” another command arose, “They are starting to deploy, and it won’t take long for them to be on top of us!”

The sad truth of the matter was this: Jacob was always cold. Or rather, he was cold in the moments that he remained awake.

When he was sleeping… oh ho, was Jacob warm. Whenever his eyes fluttered shut and his mind began to drift away to other places, he could feel a strange warmth overtake the cold.

It would start at his toes, first as a tingle, and then as a glow. That glow would then spread, going up to his feet and through his ankles, going ever upward until the warmth would coat him completely, making him feel safe.

Jacob liked the warmth. He hadn’t been warm in many, many days.

“Does everyone know what they are doing? Is everyone in position? Jacob? Jacob, what are you doing?”

Standing on the deck of The Everlast, looking face to face to what he could only assume would be his eventual destruction, Jacob wondered what he would do to gain that warmth back again.

He had agreed to the attempt to catch the star: their supply of The Sleeping Dust had been running quite low, and as everyone knew, no one would get any sleep without it, not so long as they remained Here. He had known the risks going in and, like many others, was willing to take the chance needed so that they could all sleep peacefully, and so that he, specifically, could warm himself once again.

“Jacob, take this and get ready to fight,” the captain said, handing him an umbrella, “And whatever you do, don’t open it until you absolutely need to.”

However, as looked up at the several uniformed bodies floating a little ways off in the distance, defiantly wielding a device that would make Mary Poppins proud, he began to think about ceasing to exist.

It was accepted lore, that whenever anyone ceased to exist, whether they be one hundred and nine, or just nine years old, they would enter a state of eternal slumber.

Of eternal warmth.

It was then Jacob realized that no matter what the looming battle meant for the future, he had nothing to lose.

One way or another, he would feel comfort again.

But, knowing this still, he would do his best to fend off all those who would attack The Everlast. The crew and the boat had, after all, been nothing but good to him, offering him a chance to take part in adventure and comfort. He felt a kinship to them all.

And so when the aggressors began to rain down from above, he smiled.

He was satisfied with his future.

And happy to share his cold with whomever was stupid enough to cross his path on his way to it.


Read more!