Remotely Pretty #02

(B. Schatz)

Remotely Pretty
Created and curated by B. Schatz

Issue #02: A Snowy Day

It was snowing outside when I finally proposed to her. I looked into her billowy grey eyes and whispered the words, "Will you marry me" into the crisp air.

She looked at me all crazy like and said, "I would but... you don't look too good when you're naked."

I felt bad at the time, but the joke was on her: I had already seen myself naked.

Read more!

One-Time Web Comic

(B. Schatz)

"How We Got Engaged!" isn't your regular web comic.

To critique it, would be almost inhuman. Not a single soul that has any decent thoughts dwelling within can attempt to disect this happenstance literature.

Take a look, and see what I mean.

Read more!

Love Under 100 #01

(B. Schatz)

Love Under 100
created by B. Schatz

Summer In California
by B. Schatz

On the sun-soaked beaches of California, when the sun sinks low in the sky and sets the ocean aglow with shimmering orange tones, couples get together and say their summer good-byes on the sand.

They’ll never forget each other: that’s the promise they make as they cry and whispered and refuse to let go.

But eventually, and reluctantly, they part, leaving behind deep imprints of their feet standing oh-so-close together in the sand.

Soon, the sun sets.

Soon, the tide rolls in.

Soon, the footprints get washed out to the sea…

…floating in the depths, another sun-soaked summer memory…

Love Under 100 is an experiment in writing a love story using 100 words or less. Submissions are open to everyone, however those who are not (yet) contributing members of the site should send their submissions to twofistedtoast@gmail.com. Works containing more than 100 words will be deleted: our word count machine is swift, and our word count machine is merciless. Published every Wednesday.

Read more!

Allow myself to introduce...myself

(Doug)

I would guess that most of you have been lured here by my colleague B. Schatz.

It's understandable, of course; he's an amazing writer.

So to all of you who aren't familiar with me, the name's Doug. To those more familiar, it's Dougie, or Dougward.

Anyway, I'm really glad you're here. I'm not as good a writer as B. (not by half), but I aspire. I tend to write in the first person, but I'll try and make it more interesting for you readers.

Read more!

A Drinking Game for the New TV Season!

(B. Schatz)

Premiere week is like Christmas for me, as I am addicted to television. I shouldn't because most of it sucks beyond all belief, but every year I think: maybe this year will be different.

And every year, I'm woefully wrong.

So, instead of crying because the shows are horrible, I've decided to cry because I'm going to be piss drunk while watching the television, and here's how I'm going to do it.

Chug one beer - For every second I accidently watch one of those boring proceedural shows (CSI, Bones, etc.) after not changing the channel quick enough.

Drink one shot - For every woman who gets raped...

Drink two shots - ...if she's a hooker...

Drink three - ...if "she" is a man in drag.

Drink one shot - For every "soap opera shot" on The O.C.

Chug one beer - For every time someone gets punched on The O.C.

Chug two beers - Because you actually watch The O.C.

Drink one shot - For every time you laugh at a sitcom (the only ones that this will be dangerous for will be Arrested Developement, My Name is Earl, and The Office, even though the english version will always be better...)

Drink a pitcher of beer - For every actor or actress that appears on any show on The WB who makes their way to a poor quality teen flick.

Break into a liquor store, and empty it's contents _For every laugh that Joey brings you. Which will be none.

...and that's all the rules for now. If you can think of more, add a comment below! It shall be added.

Read more!

Music Notes: Jack Johnson

(B. Schatz)

Please forgive the pun in the title: I was looking for something simple, and it was the first thought to creep into my head.

So. Jack Johnson.

For those of you out of the loop, Jack Johnson is your music on a rainy day. Jack Johnson is your music when you watch a sunset.

Jack Johnson, is your music for when you're mellow, for when you're happy, for when you're sad, or for when you want to relax.

He plays a soft guitar, and writes songs about girls, the french language, love, break-ups, trains, situations, stapling things together, and bad weather, and makes them sound pretty.

The picture you see to your right, is that of his latest album, which I naturally have on CD that's been listened to quite feverishly. However, it's been getting a break from being played recently.

Not because I've stopped listening to Jack Johnson, oh no.

But because I've found something better than Jack Johnson on CD.

It's called "Jack Johnson on vynil".

That's right: the subtle sound record popping of vynil matched with a brilliant singing voice and acoustic guitar.

The world has never known a sweeter sound.

Read more!

Remotely Pretty #01

(B. Schatz)

Remotely Pretty
Created and curated by B. Schatz

Issue #01: While in Tokyo

You can only enjoy yourself so much when you’re in Tokyo, running away from the monsters. You don’t have time to stop and take a look at all of the shops that you find interesting or talk to all of the people who look rich enough to bother pick pocketing.

Instead, you just get this blurred snapshot of existence while you run from the things that are chasing you, screaming at the top of your lungs.

And you start to think about the craziest things. Like how you probably left the stove on in your apartment. And how you should’ve told Jenny McMurphy that you were going to propose to her before the monsters struck.

She’s going to dump you for sure once you’re dead.

Remotely Pretty is posted every Friday. Send in a photo to twofistedtoast@gmail.com with the subject line titled "Remotely Pretty Pic" and check back here weekly to see if a story comes from it.

Read more!

The Soupy Toasterson Show #00

(B. Schatz)

Two Fisted Toast has not yet officially "launched", but for those lucky few who found us early, you get a sneak peak of the content we'll be running over the next few months.

Kicking things off is a little something I like to call The Soupy Toasterson Show, which is 99.9% based on my real life, and 0.1% based on things I just made up to make the story flow easier. What follows is not only the first episode of the upcoming Soupy run, but the overview of where I'm going with the story until it's inevitable conclusion.

Here's hoping you enjoy.

-B.

The Soupy Toasterson Show
Created by B. Schatz

#00: The Ballad of Soupy Toasterson
Written by B. Schatz

On August 1st, 1985, Soupy Toasterson was born in the entry way of a central Alberta hospital. He came out screaming, because the air felt cold on his skin and the sensation melted his sensitive little brain and screaming was the only thing he knew how to do.

He had no hair.

On April 23rd, 1993, Soupy got married for the first time. He was only in grade two at the time, but had been so taken by the girl’s sophisticated third grade charm and willingness to touch his hand (despite the recent outbreak of cooties), that he felt compelled to marry her.

He had light blond hair.

On July 13th, 1999, Soupy found himself gazing intently at a bag of candy. He had filled it himself, with a variety of different delectibles ranging from the chewy, to the sour, to the hard to the sweet. It was all there, just waiting to be eaten. However, it wouldn’t be – at least not by him – for they were destined to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of mankind. And they did.

On August 7th, 1999, that sacrificial bag of candy was very far from Soupy’s mind as he snuck out of his room to attend his first non-clown, non-birthday, non-supervised party with a girl who wouldn’t see him metaphorically. He left the party with a girl who couldn’t see him physically, and within a few weeks, she’d inspire him to start writing seriously.

He had dirty blond hair.

On July 28th, 2001, Soupy mustered up all of the courage that dwelled within himself, and honoured the memory of the long lost candy bag through a note. He found himself to be quite content with this gesture, until his whole world shook around him, making him see everything and everyone in a new light.

On February 23rd, 2002, he used this new light to finally try and be happy.

He had brown hair.

On June 28th, 2011, Soupy got married for the second time in his life to a girl who was not only willing to touch his hand, but was in love with him just as much as he was in love with her.

On August 3rd, 2015, their first child was born.

He had graying brown hair.

On October 31st, 2049…

…

…

On October 31st, 2049, Soupy’s hands felt cold. Colder than they had in the longest time.

He opened his eyes slowly, and looked into hers.

They were looking back into his, shining with tears and… and… and many loving memories of a long and happy life.

At the sight of this, Soupy too, began to cry.

They both knew that it would soon be over.

Everything was getting so cold…

…

…

Soupy took a deep breath and whispered, “I told you I’d love you forever.”

She smiled weakly through the tears.

Soupy slowly closed his eyes.

His hair was gray.

The End

The Soupy Toasterson Show returns for it's final run on October 13th, 2005. Be there for all the moments you never knew, and the ending you never expected. Weekly every Thursday.

Read more!

Life as an RPG

(B. Schatz)

A geek turns his life into an RPG.

And yes, before your jaw drops in awe and shock or shock and awe, it is a work of satire. However, I’m pretty sure it would be interesting if it were applied in real life for… well, for real. In fact…

Historically Inaccurate 50’s Instructional Video Theatre!

Announcer: Meet Timmy. Timmy is a young, virile, all around American teenage boy who likes to do well in school, and hates the dirty gooks and communists. In his free time, Timmy likes to finish his homework so that he can get good grades, and play fantasy games like Dungeon’s and Dragons and Hide the Scurvy Ridden Hooker from Mommy. He is very good at both of those games.

Recently, however, Timmy has found his attention drawn by… the fairer sex. Unfortunately, Timmy also has a crippling fear of talking to girls. Isn’t that right Timmy?

Timmy: My pants feel funny.

Announcer: That’s because your pants are evil Timmy. But fear not! There is still hope for you and your pants if you just play to your strengths!

Timmy: Play to my strengths?

Announcer: That’s right Timmy. You live in a world of wonder and fantasy, and reward yourself with experience points when you complete certain tasks and hide disease ridden hookers. So, why not apply that technique to your real life?

Timmy: How am I supposed to do that?

Announcer: Glad you asked Timmy.

For every girl you talk to, you’ll receive experience points. If once you acquire enough of these experience points, you’ll be able to perform such tasks as “go out on a date” and “touch her hand”.

Timmy: You mean I’ll actually get to touch her?

Announcer: No with that face you won’t be at least there’s hope now, right? Now repeat after me: “Hello there, female companion. Those are mighty fine child bearing hips you have”.

Timmy: Are you sure that’s the wisest thing to say?

Announcer: Don’t be a commie, Timmy.

Read more!

Five Minutes

(B. Schatz)

Five mibutes ago, the world was a different place.

I say this, because five minutes ago, I wasn’t writing this. I wasn’t even thinking about it even. Instead, I was watching this movie: it was about a guy who decided to erase his ex-girlfriend from his memory.

And I, was thinking about my ex-girlfriend.

Five minutes ago, the world was about the girls who break our hearts. And right now, it isn’t.

Right now, it’s about writing: communicating ideas through words and expressions, and creating entire worlds with the subtle stroke of a finger. It’s about blank pages turning into castles, it’s about separate letters combining to create people and places and emotions, and it’s about every single possibility just waiting to be explored.

It’s about forgetting those girls who break our hearts.

And the only thing that has changed is those five short minutes.

The world changes that fast, and it’s sad, really, to think that as the seconds tick by… that the one that is here right now, will disappear forever into the unforgiving mists of time.

However… I was never a big fan of forgetting the little moments that we could one attempt to treasure through the fogged up looking glass of memory. So I decided to create this site.

Two Fisted Toast, as it exists in this world, in this moment, is a site dedicated to preserving moments and thoughts and stories and moments. It’s here to serve as a history book for all the little moment worlds that come our way.

It’s here to remember the girls who break our hearts.

And it’s here to show us that there’s always the possibility for the world to change.

Just give it five minutes.

-B. Schatz

Read more!